


It's not a weakness

by Miyo_nani



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars The Force Awakens
Genre: But fluffy ending, Cute, Finn and Poe, Fluff, Love, M/M, One Shot, Romance, Star Wars - Freeform, Star Wars the force awakens - Freeform, Stormpilot, a tiny bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 04:16:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6550450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miyo_nani/pseuds/Miyo_nani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Finn learns the difference between love being a vulnerability and not a weakness. And why weakness and vulnerability are not the same thing. Oneshot. Fluff. Cute. Stormpilot</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's not a weakness

People often say the same things. I’ve come to realize that. But at the same time, they say these things in many different ways. I didn’t really understand it, and I didn’t really linger on it. I noticed when General Leia joked with Han Solo, she often came off as cold, condescending and even in some moments, belittling. But I saw through it like peering at an island in the distance. An island that was covered by thick fog. When she said, _**“You always knew how to stir up trouble,”**_ she really meant, **_“Please don’t do anything stupid. I can’t bare losing you.”_** And when he answered with a snarky tone, **_“I knew you had a thing for scoundrels.”_** He was really saying, _**“I loved you from the moment we met. And I needed to know that you did too.”**_ They say the general felt Han Solo’s death. Even from across the galaxy. She crumpled slowly into her chair and her face went blank. But I don’t think it really went blank. I think she was processing the overwhelming loss. She would never watch Han Solo walk away again.

 

* * *

   “What are you thinking about?” Poe Dameron, the best pilot in the resistance, asked leaning against the rail that I was leaning against also. The cold steel was the only thing connecting our bodies. I hesitated and glanced at Poe from the corner of my eye. The night air tossed his hair gently and he gazed at the stars with longing. I wondered what he saw when he looked out there into the vast sky.

   “The general. And love.” I answered. I didn’t see any real reason to lie. The general was not a shameful thing to ponder. And love was a human concept that I have been trying to grasp for some time now.

   “Odd combination,” Poe mused. I nodded. He was right. “Why?”

   “I am thinking about how love manifests differently in different people. But it’s the same emotion isn’t it?”

   Poe hesitated. “There are different kinds of love." He explained slowly. "And people express these loves differently. But the basic premise of all love is the same.”

   “It’s debilitating,” I declared and Poe recoiled.

   “Debilitating? No. It’s not a weakness. It’s more of a vulnerability.” Poe turned around and rested his back against the railing and looked at me as he talked. I wondered if he wanted me to look at him too. And then I wondered why I was wondering such a useless thing.

   “What’s the difference?” I asked. Poe looked away this time and sighed.

   “It’s hard to explain. But once it happens you’ll understand.” His words made me feel like a child. Like I wasn’t capable of understanding the complex emotions of ‘regular’ people. I had too much stormtrooper in me to understand love.

   “I’m sure...” I answered. Sarcasm saturating my words. Poe noticed and sighed.

   “Look, Finn. I didn’t mean-”

   “I’m gonna turn in early. I have a meeting with the general tomorrow.” I left Poe to the night sky.

 

* * *

 

 

   “Who would you die for?” Leia Organa sat in a large chair. Worn and torn and beaten but still sturdy. The leather had contorted itself to fit her body shape. I wondered how many decisions had been made in that chair. I wondered if they were good decisions.

   “I don’t understand the question ma’am,” I admitted. My own chair was stiff and new. None of the tough fabric stretched to meet my skin. It seemed unloyal compared to the general’s chair.     

   “It’s a counter question. You asked what the difference was between vulnerability and weakness was. Is there anybody you would die for?” Rey was the first name to pop into my head. I loved Rey. She was my best friend. But she was so much stronger than I was. I thought back to the time when Rey had asked me to stay at the watering hole. She needed me. She pleaded with those eyes that could break the strongest material in the galaxy. And I refused. Who would I die for?

   I thought back to Poe Dameron. How I had risked everything I knew and everything I was to save him from Ren. I remember the lines of his face as he watched me remove my mask. I remember the shock in his voice. “Why are you doing this?” My answer had been the first thing I had ever been sure of in my entire twenty-one years of existence. _“Because it’s the right thing to do.”_

   I didn’t tell him it was because I needed a pilot to help execute my sudden escape. I wondered if at the time, I really needed a pilot or if I really needed him.

   “Do you have to think about it that much?” Leia asked reaching for her mug of hot coffee on her desk and holding it against her lips.

   “I’d die for Poe. And Rey. And the resistance.” I answered.

Leia nodded. “This love makes you vulnerable. Not to enemies but vulnerable to yourself. You can become plagued with thoughts of loss. You can be wrecked with worry, or grief if they should die. But at the same time, the desire to protect and serve and love gives you a strength that could overpower any situation. It gives you the strength to keep going.”

   It didn’t make sense. In the stormtrooper initiative, love is a weakness. Familiarity is a distraction. The concept that love could be a strength instead of a weakness was flooring. Leia recognized my hesitation.

   “When Rey got captured, what did you do?”

   “I went to save her.” I answered immediately. And I realized, that my love for Rey is what gave me the strength to confront the First Order when just hours before I had been ready to run to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.

 

* * *

 

 

   I began to realize that I say the same things, but different things at the same time.

   “Do you have emergency oxygen?” I asked as Poe finished the final checklist for his X-wing. He was fueling the small jet and preparing for his mission handed down from Leia herself. What I really said was, ‘ _ **Please make sure you are safe.’**_

“Yup. Picked some up from storage last night.” He answered.

“Do you test your comms?” ‘ _ **Please make sure you keep in contact.’**_

“Stop worrying Finn! This isn’t my first mission you know.” I laughed at this. It sure wasn’t. But the last major solo mission he had gone and gotten himself captured by Kylo Ren.

   “Finn.” Poe said, laying down his check board. “I’m going to be okay.” Poe’s own calloused hand reached and covered my own. Our eyes connected and I thought about what I wanted to say to him right now. I smiled and let my fingers curl around his own.

   “Just don’t do anything stupid.” ‘ ** _Come back to me.’_**

 

* * *

 

 

   “He hasn’t checked into the base for three days.” I said to the general as I paced around her office. I was surprised I hadn’t burned a hole in her floor by now. The general nodded sympathetically toward me and somehow it only made me feel worse.

   “Poe is on a hostile planet. Radio frequencies can be intercepted. Poe is a professional Finn. Have faith in him.” I couldn't stand the idea of Poe  being surrounded by hostiles with no way to contact us for help. I should have gone with him. I shouldn’t have let him leave. I let him fly out into the vast unknowing space and I didn’t even tell him how I felt.

   “He will be back Finn. Have faith in him.” Leia insisted. Her words commanded respect and wisdom. So many fates relied on her word and direction. She sat dignified in her chair. Her jaw set strong. Her voice was sure and steady. I regarded her with admiration. I understood how nations had fallen to her, and why civilizations had risen.

 

* * *

    It was probably wrong of me to steal Poe’s quarter password from the database. Then again, it was probably fate that the receptionist left the emergency list of assigned passwords up when I asked for a smaller room. Dameron, Poe 2132. I memorized it. Four numbers that opened the door to where Poe slept and studied and lived. The woman came back with room assignment papers and handed it to me with a smile before she closed out of the assigned room list. But I was already silently repeating the four digits in my head over and over.

   I wasn’t planning to use it. But as I walked to my newly assigned room, I happened to pass by a door with the name ‘Dameron’ printed in neat black letters. I looked down both hallways. Nobody was in sight. I shifted my box of belongings over to one arm and let my fingers run over the number pad. I pushed each number slowly. 2. 1. 3. 2. A hesitation. A small beep, and a green light appeared and the door unlocked with a small hiss of air. The door opened to a cramped room, with clothes strewn about, a holograph in one corner, multiple racks of music ports, holodisks, posters, pictures of friends, family, the Black team. Parts of an engine laid strewn about Poe’s work desk and his bed was a mess of blankets, pillows, and secondary sheets.

   I was about to walk back out of the room. This was Poe’s room. He was on an important mission. I shouldn’t be here. Before I could back out, the door closed behind me and it seemed to be a sign to stay. I gently set my box down on a chair as if it’s presence in the room might disturb the air.

   I sat down slowly on the bed. This is where Poe slept. I wondered what he looked like in his sleep. Did he talk, or snore, or drool, or cuddle? I let my hand spread on a pillow. The indentation of Poe’s head was still apparent on the pillow from the night before he left. Poe had been gone for almost a month now. I picked up the pillow gently and slowly. Careful not to disturb anything else and brought the soft fabric to my face and inhaled.

   It didn’t smell like weakness.

   I cried.

 

* * *

 

 

   Another month has passed. No word from Poe has come through any comms. I knew the rest of the Black team were beginning to get antsy and the general was assembling a search team to look for Poe if we got no word by the end of the week.

   I had become at ease with spending evenings in Poe’s room. I became less hesitant in the environment. I watched some holodisks that were labeled ‘favorites’. I listened to the music the he had lined against the far wall of his room. I studied each picture he had on display in their small black frames. I sat on his bed. I had even fallen asleep in it once.

   As I walked back to my room I began to wonder if there were any more of Poe's discs that I hadn’t watched yet when a body collided into my elbow, throwing me off balance. I caught myself quickly and glanced up at the assailant. It was Jessika Pava. She was panting hard and fast.

   “Finn!” She exclaimed and stepped forward and grabbed me by the shoulders.

   “What?” I breathed. Shock lacing through my voice.

   “It’s Poe! He’s on his way home!”

 

* * *

 

 

  Poe’s Black One looked like it had received some repairs since he had left almost two months ago. The entire pilot team waited to meet him on the runway. I waited as well. Hanging near the back and watching as the jet touched down of the concrete and slowly came to a stop.  

   Poe’s friends rushed to meet him and I hung back. Instead, I watched as the cockpit opened and my breath hitched as Poe climbed out. A few scratches here and there but looking exactly as he had the day he left.

   Poe laughed as he hugged his friends, and spoke inaudible words to them. He motioned to his plane. Pava nodded and Poe’s team began working on the Black one and Poe himself began walking toward the hanger when his eyes met mine.

   “Finn.” Poe said. I could faintly hear my name and similarly, read it on his lips. Before I could control myself, I began rushing toward him. Poe dropped his helmet to the ground and wrapped his arms around me as we embraced. 

   “I missed you so much.” Poe admitted into my collarbone. I thought about what I wanted to say. I missed you too. Yes, that was true. But it isn’t what I wanted to say. In fact, I wasn’t sure I wanted to say anything at all. Instead, I pulled back just a fraction of an inch and pulled Poe’s lips toward my own. Kissing him gently was hard. I wanted to feel him physically. To make sure that he was really here in my arms. As soon as our lips connected, Poe took control of the kiss and let his hands grasp my face gently. We moved in sync with each other. Pulling away only to breathe, smile, and laugh and we met once more.

   “I love you.” Poe muttered. I smiled and laughed. Poe’s words did not feel like a weakness and neither did my answer.

   “I love you too.” Poe didn’t say anything else, instead, he pulled me closer once more and I realized I was vulnerable to him. And I wouldn’t want to be anything else.

**yeah! Stormpilot is life. Let me know what you thought!**


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